Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Being Scared of the Dark

I just got off the phone with my precious boyfriend, and I must admit I've been bawling my eyes out for 2 hours. Sometimes reality hits, you know? I can't believe everything I'm about to leave for 3 months.

Then it rips somewhere way down deep when I know my life won't always be here. I think I knew regardless of my current relationship that one day I'd be moved and changed, because God keeps doing that. But I didn't expect it to be as drastic as it's going to be. Well, it seems drastic at this point in life.

Without getting into too many details, because a lot of them Cash and I just like talking about between ourselves, I can say life is full of changes. Here I am in this small town 30 minutes from where I grew up. Before college, I lived in 2 houses my entire life; they were 3 minutes away from each other on a dirt road. I never really knew change.

I have such a deep connection and passion for this part of the world. Arkansas is home. It's where I live, where I love, and where I long to be. But I do recognize that much of that is due to the fact that it's the only place I've ever afforded that opportunity. I was the 7th generation in my family to live in North Franklin County--I'd say I had some foundation there! Now I think one day I might live hundreds of miles away with no hills or rivers or family farms.

White Rock Mountain--where my sister got engaged. You can see it from our parents' house.

The Mulberry River, which flows through the edge of my parents' property, has given me many float trips, days of swimming, and rope swings.

For quite some time I have been just sick thinking of everything I might leave behind one day. What about everything I started here? What about my family? My career? My house? My church? What about the first 25 years of my life? Don't they even matter?

Then I realized they do matter. They are what's prepared me for my journeys, my relationship, and my future. They are so much a part of me that my every being is woven into these mountains and memories. I have to learn to be fond of the memories while looking to the future.

Memories like watching my niece and nephew not only be born but also grow up. I can't believe how fast the past 7 years have flown by. To know what a little man Braeson is becoming and the princess that Addison will always be makes me so proud to be their aunt.

Memories like teaching school and having literally the greatest students on this planet. Who knows how long I'll teach? Since I'm working on my master's degree, the obvious thing would be for me to implement and use it in a job. However, I want to take my time moving away from this, because I have the most wonderful friends and co-workers.

Memories like growing up with friends I've known since Kindergarten. That's foreign to a lot of people. We graduated high school with 99 students in our class, and I would venture to say 75% of those students were together K-12. I can't even begin to encompass all of those memories. I'm so so fond of my childhood friendships, and to this day they are the friendships that mean the most to me. They are the very foundation of my life.

Not all change is bad--but I think it's all hard. To leave a known world, either good or evil, to venture into the unknown...that's a scary situation. My cousin Brad used to tell me that it wasn't the dark he was scared of; it was the things in the dark. I can say that is flat out true about life too. I'm not scared of the dark; I'm scared of those things in the dark.

Maybe you've been in that spot before where your life was changing at 100 mph...I don't know. How did you get through it?

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